Movies that will make you righteous

While my mother-in-law was in town, I had the privilege of watching some movies that I wouldn’t normally watch. For some reason, the prospect of watching a movie with two other people rather than one got me all excited, so I broke out the family fare. Here they are:

Confessions of a Shopaholic:
Let me tell you about one of the more fascinating phenomena of recent crappy movies that use girliness and superficiality to advertise a false version of female empowerment. But before I tell you of the most fascinating phenomenon, let me just air out some anger: I can’t stand the idea that some moron had when writing Legally Blonde that women who just learn how to harness their skills for conspicuous consumption, shallowness, and bad diction can get ahead and conquer the world. This is a lie—a dirty, dirty lie that Legally Blonde created to give into some sort of weird political fantasy in which superficiality (which they claimed was “femininity”) can be empowering and positive. Now we have ridiculous movies like House Bunny that try to make the same statement, and we can blame this weird legacy that probably started with Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on the popularity of the Legally Blonde movies.

I have openly admitted to an occasional case of sexism in the past, and I acknowledge that this rant probably comes across that way, but there is nothing I like more in a movie or any representation than a depiction of womanhood or femaleness or whatever than one that paints feminine qualities with a little less crassness. I am not relaying the old “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” adage; on the contrary, I am saying “Why can’t a woman be more like a woman?” At least in the movies. Defenders cry out that Legally Blonde and The House Bunny turn our expectations of the ditzy blonde around and make it into a virtue, but these movies are not doing that at all. If you really wanted to confound our expectations, you should make the ditzy blonde not a ditzy blonde, right? No more obsession for accessories, nonsensical phrases, and vulgar literalism. Let’s let the ditzy blonde be witty, brooding, thoughtful. I am not suggesting that every female turn into one of those atrocious Julianne Moore satires of suburban moms (which to my eyes also ring totally false, but for different reasons), I am just waiting for good movies about women: real women like the ones I know. If any of you have any good recommendations for movies about women, let me know and Kathryn can watch them. Told you I was sexist.

But I was going to tell you about the fascinating phenomenon that occurs within these films: the crazy dance. I first noticed this in none other than aforementioned Legally Blonde, where the protagonist decides to do some nutty dance in the nail salon, immediately casuing increased agitation and awkward disgust in the viewer. Several movies have picked up on this, and it always results in the weirdest and most awkward moment of the movie, like the moment of the line dance during prom. Confessions of a Shopaholic has one weird episode like this, and it seemed forced and stupid. Where did this come from? Does anyone like these crazy dances? I thought Can’t Buy Me Love exhausted the humorous possibilities of this kind of scenario.

Other than the stupid dance and the superficiality as power, Confessions of a Shopaholic was not quite as bad as it should have been, which means it was really bad but not horrible. I attribute all of its strengths to the fiery little redhead as the lead, who was too short for the kooky fashions that she adorned herself with and too charismatic for a movie like this. It was also weird to see the British guy who played Essex in the Helen Mirren “Elizabeth” movie play the romantic lead here. I kept wondering when he was going to betray the redhead and stand in front of the executioner for treason. I probably would have liked the movie a little more had Essex done more Essex-type things, like treachery and open rebellion.

Marley and Me: This is one of the strangest movies I have ever seen. I’m not kidding. I am still not sure what to make of it. It is about a young couple of hip journalists who pretend they are not hip. They get a dog and it is a crazy dog. The dog does crazy things but mainly just watches the couple as they begin to raise a family. I kept wishing that the story had been streamlined so that the crazy dog was combined with a crazy child, but then the movie would be exactly the same as Problem Child only without the benefit of John Ritter. And the kid would have to die at the end, which wouldn’t sit well with the audience. I have always claimed that I don’t like dogs, but sometimes I wonder if that is because I have never really had much time with dogs. However, this movie confirmed it: I don’t like dogs. I can tolerate them but I have little to no affection for the species. This is not to say that I hated the movie, because I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t like it very much because I didn’t know what to do with it. The dog’s death was a little drawn out for my tastes, and it was not exactly subtle or delicate. This review is bad, mainly because the movie was weird, and it was certainly no “Turner and Hooch.”

What if Hell were full of dog movies on loop? Dante would have never made it out of the fifth circle if that were the case. And what if the sixth circle were full of superficiality as female empowerment movies on loop? Maybe Hollywood genre movies fit into the plan of salvation by providing glimpses of eternal damnation, which then scare us into being righteous. So it turns out I have become a better person for watching them. Would that you all watch these movies before your sin gets too great.