Monday, June 1, 2009
Paul Blart: Lead Interrogator
My friend Brian, who has a knack for getting really interested in "issues," has been watching documentaries and reading books all about torture practices in/outside the US, most of which are titled with something about "the Dark Side." When he was telling me about his new interest, I interrupted him with my latest movie review for "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" for obvious reasons. I got it from the Redbox in hopes that it would make me laugh while we drove from Omaha, which means that I didn't listen to the better angel of my nature, which was telling me to get a teen high school comedy instead. The better angel of my nature always tells me that, and I often listen to him, even when he wants me to rent "She's All That" and the latest Amanda Bynes Twelfth Night adaptation. The road to Omaha didn't provide an opportunity to watch the Mall Cop movie, mainly because the scenery was so amazing, so I put it on to wind down after we got home. Here are some calculations: According to Brian, some people have been waterboarded up to 183 times before they confess to imaginary crimes. I figure each minute of Paul Blart is worth almost 7 waterboards, which meant that I watched roughly 27 minutes of Blart before I confessed that the better angel was right and turned it off. So I have no review of Blart because I only lasted through 27 minutes of it, which is like 183 waterboards or seven Kenny Chesney songs, which are apparently also used as torture with rousing success.
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James--
ReplyDeleteI was so excited to read your blag that I came here this morning instead of reading my scriptures. Your bad angel has a powerful effect on me you should know. I was at first disappointed to find a complete lack of your charming progeny and sweet bride having wacky and picturesque adventures in Iowa. Don't you know what this is for? I was amused that it is mostly filled with bad movies.
We, too, have mostly seen bad movies recently, though we have gone a different route--really boring slow and painful independent movies shipped to us by netflix. We suffered through all of a Chinese movie about an emotionless man going to work in some industrial job in another province and half of a Turkish one about a crass old man trying to woo an old prostitute. Trying to right the course, we turned to mainstream movies that have the pretense of being important: first Gran Torino, which made me realize that Clint Eastwood is absolutely terrible to movies (with the miraculous exception of Mystic River), and then The Girl With the Pearl River, which was intensely boring and featured really ugly versions of Scarlett Johansen and Colin Firth.
Mostly I am honored to be your first comment.
Marc
I not-so-respectfully disagree with your assessment of Clint Eastwood, who hasn't made a bad movie since Unforgiven, unless you count Absolute Power. I haven't seen the Changeling nor Gran Torino, and I heard the former consists of Angelina Jolie gunning for an Oscar, which precludes me from seeing it, but I thought if anything his movies have been underrated. What about Letters from Iwa Jima? What about Blood Work? A Perfect World? Space Cowboys?
ReplyDeleteI like that you got sucked into renting the Girl With the Pearl River, which happens to the best of us. Bad times. Listen, man, I have done the indie thing out of occupational necessity, and I only found silliness down that road, so now I pick my indies very carefully. The worst of the worst movies though are usually Hollywood outings that pretend they are indies, like Nick and Norah's Infinite Craplist and Little Miss Abigail Breslin.
And by the way, the reason my disagreement is disrespecful is because you like the Lakers and they should have lost to the Nuggets. And Kobe Bryant made his newly invented black mamba face after draining a jump shot during Game 3. And Kobe Bryant did the post-game interview bending over panting because he had just given it his all. I tried to like him during the Nuggets series, I really did, but Game 3 turned me again.
In order for me to buy into your critique of Blartcop, you're gonna have to either waterboard me or give me some reasons. Same with Marc's critique of Torino, a film I thought would have been OK had it not been for Clint Eastwood's incessant "batvoice," you know, the voice Christian Bale uses when he's in the latex. Reasons. Evaluations are just flatulence without them. From what I've seen on the 300 TV screens I walked by at Walmart last week, Blartcop has plenty to offer. One word: Segue.
ReplyDeleteBlart is the perfect Walmart tv screen movie because it pretty much all takes place within a Walmart-type place. So when you are watching the 300 tv screens it is as if they are windows into more of Walmart instead of tv screens, and who doesn't want more of Walmart, like Borges endless labyrinthine libraries but with imported knowledge on the cheap.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Seque, I think the movie thought that an overweight guy on a Segue was funny by itself, so it made no attempt to do anything else with it (although it may have after its first 27 minutes). And a Segue was funny enough when Gob drove one in Arrested Development--everything else is just an afterthought. Here's another reason: the movie thought everything was funny just for being there: his fatness, his mustache, his Segue, his occupation, his uniform, his living with his mom. All that stuff is only funny if you write something funny about it, not just its existence. Is that reason enough for you and your Jack Selzer butt?
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ReplyDeleteBrian--
ReplyDeleteTorino was bad for that but also much more. Batvoice happened to come and unnecessarily explain any scene we should have been expected to interpret visually. Additionally, all acting was terrible, and the gangster thugs were all ridiculous. As a teacher of gangster thugs (a whole terrible movie genre in itself) I am qualified to say that.
James--
Other notably overrated Eastwood movies include Million Dollar Baby and In the Line of Fire.
Finally, I accept your disrespect. The Lakers are not a team you should try to like. They are the team you should hate unless you like them. Kobe's face was sweet--he had to invent that face after he was made fun of for imitating MJ here (all the way at the bottom): http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090429&sportCat=nba
You have to admit they looked awesome in the last 5 quarters against the Nuggets. They deserved to win.
I didn't see the last 5 quarters of the game because my rabbit ears antennae won't let me, but I believe you. They haven't played to their potential this whole playoffs and there is no good reason for not having swept each competitor. That said, I am really hoping Orlando wins, especially because I have an old affection for Hedo.
ReplyDeleteI read that thing about Kobe imitating MJ, and that commercial makes me angry because they don't show what eventually happened in that series, which was glorious, and they didn't show all the egregious calls that went into that final play.
By the way, I can't wait to see Gran Torino now. You should read or watch something and do a guest post. Or just experience something and write about it.
Gran Torino is SPECTACULAR. Clint Eastwood even sings at the end.
ReplyDeleteAnd he composes a lot of the music for his own films, except his son did Gran Torino, but it bascially sounded like Clint's compositions.
ReplyDeleteMy respect for Marc Wilson has been ever increasing since I first met him, boosted by his willingness to challenge James's ego, boosted again by his marriage to Sunny, then boosted even more by his befriending my friends and their subsequent good reviews of Marc. But all that is at risk of being shatterd with these Eastwood comments. There is much to find fault with in his movies, but the end product is almost always so satisfying. Gran Torino: The gangsters were funny, the rookie chinese actors were often painful, the priest was ripe for a punch to the head, Clint Eastwood was Clint Eastwood (a GOOD thing for some of us, but I admit if you don't have that taste then it can wear on you - kind of like the Lakers) but the story was awesome and the movie as a whole was really well done. I can see why someone wouldn't think it was the best movie ever, but the blanket statement that Eastwood is terrible to movies is just the opposite of true. I can't think of anyone who has been better for movies in the last 20 years.
But if there is one thing I have learned over the years it's that you can't judge a person by the thickness of their legs or by their own movie judgement. I painfully learned this when Jeff and Shima gave an excellent review to What Dreams May Come. Worst movie ever. And James recommended to me Harrison Ford's (first clue to bad movie) "Firewall," although he now denies it.
So I guess I still respect you Marc, for all your other qualities. And we do agree about Mystic River.