Dear Father of Microaggressions,
I kneel before thee to ask where thou art from since thou lookest kind of different from me. It's not that I am assuming anything about thee, it's just that I am kind of curious, but I do so in fear just in case thou gettest offended and dost curse me for assuming thou art from somewhere more interesting than here. It is just that I don't really know how to small talk and I figure asking thee where thou art from might yield an answer that can jump start our conversation. I pray that I may not supplicate with subject matter that seems "difficult" or traumatic, so I thought I would gain thy trust by asking thee where art thou from so we could establish some common ground. My sins, though, may trigger a response that thou deem'st uncomfortable, so maybe I will not talk to thee about them, but it seems as though we could have a productive conversation about them and it might make me confide in thee more since disclosure begets disclosure, which is why I asked thee where are thou from first, but I am already sorry I asked thee that because I showed how I am assuming, just because I cannot see you, that thou art from somewhere else. I sincerely offer my repentance for that, and don't worry about the other sins because, besides their graphic nature that may trigger a negative response, they pale in comparison to the original sin of this prayer, which was asking from where art thou. Sorry, no seriously. I'm such an idiot. Amen.
Dear Gods of Assessment and Accreditation,
We gather as subordinated faculty in the name of the third member of the triple A Godhead, Administration, to ask that thou wouldst bestow thy grace upon us so that we might develop our learning outcomes and curriculum core according to thy whims. Please shield us from regular faculty duties, such as research, imagination, and contribution so as not to be distracted from the one true purpose of the university: to worship thee in thy three personages. Please help us to put aside those worldly things of innovation and creativity so that we may follow thy version of Bloom's taxonomy and give our tithing to thy accreditation church for its growth. Remind us of our sacred duties, all in the name of "service," the word for unpaid submission to thy will. This we pray for, remembering that our year-end review but not our promotion depends on thee, amen.
Capitalonians 9:11: "But again, thy saints need spread through the multitude, fearing God and inviting consent, not by coercion but by gentleness and subtlety, like that of an Ikea cubby shelf or Pottery Barn duvet cover. All who desire shall have it and all who do not know shall know and then desire it, for it needs be necessary. But for those who do not have nor contain wealth shall want, and in their want they will not be pitied but be chastised to hell. For they were desirous but did not work, and when they did not work they did not earn and therefore did not partake. Oh wait, what? They do work? For they do work but are not worthy to receive the wages but instead are vessels of the wages of sin, for their work is not good work but works of the . . what? why? but if they don't earn much money they can't be as good as those who have the blessing of wealth and abundance imparted unto them. No? For those that work for little wages are not unworthy but are still products of a divine plan that put them there and those of us that can purchase will also have blessing laid up for us in . . . stop! just let me finish! I need to bring comfort to those that stand in need of comfort because the comfort they can afford should be justified! That's wrong? Why is this so confusing? Okay, how about this: And the rich will be cursed because there are poor and the rich see them not even while they suppose the virtues of the private sector will take care of them but still see them not, okay? God, that didn't really go where I thought it would.
Revelations 20:15: "And there shall be warming, and the oceans shall rise as if the dragon had spewed fire out of its exhaust pipe. And many manner of Earthfracking shall visit those states that believe in fracking even as they deny its toll on the wretched earth. Wo unto them that shall deny these things, for drought will come to what was once a fertile valley, refuge to those same Okies, who sought greener pastures, which turned arid as the whore of the earth consolidated farming and water rights. And all these things I will not do, saith the Lord, for you people will do it all by yourselves, and then pretend you didn't or that I will fix things. Well, guess what, it is time to fix it, and you are perfectly capable of fixing it too. Even my wrath is bored with your denials of agency. Ahmen."
I kneel before thee to ask where thou art from since thou lookest kind of different from me. It's not that I am assuming anything about thee, it's just that I am kind of curious, but I do so in fear just in case thou gettest offended and dost curse me for assuming thou art from somewhere more interesting than here. It is just that I don't really know how to small talk and I figure asking thee where thou art from might yield an answer that can jump start our conversation. I pray that I may not supplicate with subject matter that seems "difficult" or traumatic, so I thought I would gain thy trust by asking thee where art thou from so we could establish some common ground. My sins, though, may trigger a response that thou deem'st uncomfortable, so maybe I will not talk to thee about them, but it seems as though we could have a productive conversation about them and it might make me confide in thee more since disclosure begets disclosure, which is why I asked thee where are thou from first, but I am already sorry I asked thee that because I showed how I am assuming, just because I cannot see you, that thou art from somewhere else. I sincerely offer my repentance for that, and don't worry about the other sins because, besides their graphic nature that may trigger a negative response, they pale in comparison to the original sin of this prayer, which was asking from where art thou. Sorry, no seriously. I'm such an idiot. Amen.
Dear Gods of Assessment and Accreditation,
We gather as subordinated faculty in the name of the third member of the triple A Godhead, Administration, to ask that thou wouldst bestow thy grace upon us so that we might develop our learning outcomes and curriculum core according to thy whims. Please shield us from regular faculty duties, such as research, imagination, and contribution so as not to be distracted from the one true purpose of the university: to worship thee in thy three personages. Please help us to put aside those worldly things of innovation and creativity so that we may follow thy version of Bloom's taxonomy and give our tithing to thy accreditation church for its growth. Remind us of our sacred duties, all in the name of "service," the word for unpaid submission to thy will. This we pray for, remembering that our year-end review but not our promotion depends on thee, amen.
Capitalonians 9:11: "But again, thy saints need spread through the multitude, fearing God and inviting consent, not by coercion but by gentleness and subtlety, like that of an Ikea cubby shelf or Pottery Barn duvet cover. All who desire shall have it and all who do not know shall know and then desire it, for it needs be necessary. But for those who do not have nor contain wealth shall want, and in their want they will not be pitied but be chastised to hell. For they were desirous but did not work, and when they did not work they did not earn and therefore did not partake. Oh wait, what? They do work? For they do work but are not worthy to receive the wages but instead are vessels of the wages of sin, for their work is not good work but works of the . . what? why? but if they don't earn much money they can't be as good as those who have the blessing of wealth and abundance imparted unto them. No? For those that work for little wages are not unworthy but are still products of a divine plan that put them there and those of us that can purchase will also have blessing laid up for us in . . . stop! just let me finish! I need to bring comfort to those that stand in need of comfort because the comfort they can afford should be justified! That's wrong? Why is this so confusing? Okay, how about this: And the rich will be cursed because there are poor and the rich see them not even while they suppose the virtues of the private sector will take care of them but still see them not, okay? God, that didn't really go where I thought it would.
Revelations 20:15: "And there shall be warming, and the oceans shall rise as if the dragon had spewed fire out of its exhaust pipe. And many manner of Earthfracking shall visit those states that believe in fracking even as they deny its toll on the wretched earth. Wo unto them that shall deny these things, for drought will come to what was once a fertile valley, refuge to those same Okies, who sought greener pastures, which turned arid as the whore of the earth consolidated farming and water rights. And all these things I will not do, saith the Lord, for you people will do it all by yourselves, and then pretend you didn't or that I will fix things. Well, guess what, it is time to fix it, and you are perfectly capable of fixing it too. Even my wrath is bored with your denials of agency. Ahmen."
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