Headlines ripped from the alumni inbox

"Families are meaningful"
Synopsis: A group of BYU researchers have discovered that people with stable families are generally happier. Richard Jorgensen, '84, and Mike Platt, '01, of the Family Living, Research, and Prayer Department conducted research among 25 Utah families and concluded that those who like the other members of their family, and regularly attend worship services with them, lead happier lives. Those who don't like the other people in their family and who stop attending church, the researchers discovered, are generally unhappy, and ostracized.

"A New Tool for Coach"
Synopsis: BYU head coach and future statue on campus Bronco Mendenhall has acquired a new tool in his considerable football arsenal when he discovered that making each football player memorize "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet would improve team morale. "I didn't know how harmful songs with beats really were," said tight end Nephi Johnson, "and having memorized the pamphlet on top of our playbook has made us that much closer to winning over more hedonistic teams." The readers of cougarfan.con have also decided to memorize the pamphlet with the players in solidarity. The players will hold the pamphlet during the dancing of the Haka. Mendenhall is currently on a road trip of firesides and could not comment.

"Technology and Toons have new home"
Synopsis: Brian Butler, '12, can now put his hobby of drawing cartoons based on science fiction and fantasy to good use. The Graphic Design program has decided to dedicate ALL of its resources to creating job candidates for Pixar, Disney, and Richie Rich's cartoon company. "I have always wanted to work for Pixar, especially when "Monsters, Inc." came out when I was in first grade," says Butler, "and now I can take my esoteric obsessions with dragons and planets and potentially have a job." He adds, "The best ways to battle Atheists is with cartoons that depict dragons and knights fighting evil." The Graphic Design program, now with the new name "Want to Work in Hollywood Without Losing Your Faith?", will begin the exclusively Disney pipeline program in February 2012.

"Library gets new filter technology"
Synopsis: With a 30 billion dollar budget hike, the Harold B. Lee library has decided put all of it into an upgrade of its computer filter system in order to prohibit students and faculty from watching Youtube and reading The New York Times. "We feel that access to information and media can jeapordize an individual's desire to 'Go forth and serve,'" says head librarian Joseph Anderson, "but we will allow unlimited access to The Wall Street Journal, We-edit-R-movies.com, and BYU homepage, whose upgrades are maintained beyond any other university in the universe." With the new system, the library will be able to monitor internet users' surfing, and there are alarms in place if a student bypasses the filter system that will trigger an evacuation of the library and mandate a turn for that student on the scaffold outside the Wilkinson Center for Student Living.

"Dance team as ambassadors"
Synopsis: BYUSAmericawesome has, by senate vote, approved a measure to make the International Folk Dance team and the Young Ambassadors actual ambassadors for the world. They will travel and meet with foreign dignitaries to discuss foreign policy, free trade agreements, and United Nations environmental regulations. John Packard, head of the dance teams, member of the Men's Choir, and current president of BYUSAmericawesome, explains, "We feel that through the message of dance and enthusiastic smiles, we could be able to reach the hearts and minds of other countries' leaders, and when they see us dance one of their own native folk dances, they will well up with tears of national pride and then be putty in our jazz hands." Their first stop is Yemen, where they will dance a new American take on the traditional Ta'Shariah, a native twirling dance of brotherhood. Their agenda later includes discussing the fixed price of oil and leading all in a rendition of "In Our Lovely Deseret."

"BYU research team in Supreme Court?"
Synopsis: A group of BYU researchers were asked to appear in front of the Supreme Court to testify that the maxim "Families that pray together, stay together" is true in most cases. The researchers, lead by Tom Erickson, '64, recently conducted a survey of 20 Utah families and concluded that those that pray together actually stay together, at least until they get older and leave the house. Those that didn't pray together were not surveyed and therefore it was assumed that they did not in fact stay together. "It is exciting to see your work confirmed and legitimized by the Supreme Court," says Erickson, "especially when it debunks years of research that kept attacking the family." After their visit to the Supreme Court, the researchers plan to embark on a new project--looking for evidence that kids do better in school when their families encourage them to take school seriously, do their homework, and go to church.